Fall 2023 Dream Journal
Semester 1
She swivels her red dress independent of her body like she's an owl. I dart away from the window of my hotel room across the street in embarassment and flop down on the bed. Looking up, my face is hot, and I can still see her frame through a gap in the curtains. She's trying on dresses in front of a mirror, in front of a window, for anyone like me to see. I slink back in full view and am facing her. The cold air and people walking by down below remind me I'm in public, we're both in public, or at least half and half. She's half dressed and walks into the kitchen, with the cat still perched on its spot on the counter that first drew my eye. My heart beats anxiously.
Drinking in the scene isn't something I'd do. Or, it isn't something I'm glad to be doing, more accurately. She's bent down to reach something from the fridge, and her brown, just greater than shoulder length hair is falling over her chest. The fold in her stomach makes her look small, and I can't figure out why. She's almost weighed down in my direction. I duck for cover, then think better of it, ashamed. The self preserving part of my brain chokes out its death rattle as I seem to lock gazes with her from across the street. She's looking out of the bedroom window. But, maybe not at me? I'm waving, furiously, and she just stands there for a minute. Then she ducks, taking off the rest of her clothes. She's all curves. A long bar, maybe, conveniently, covers her groin perfectly, like we're in a show for young adults but not mature audiences, then she disappears into the back of the apartment.
When I realize she's back, I'm at the window, and watch her transient form dim the lights, then hit her bed. The glow from a phone illuminates her wall, then dims. More than anything I still need her to see me. A goodbye, or to act disgusted, even. I imagine some day ringing her doorbell, and her glasses, hair, apartment. I need to talk to someone about this impression of the city, but I can't tell anyone, I don't think. But I imagine her understanding. I'm seeing someone. But maybe we'd sit up there and have tea, all the same? I imagine knowing her for years, being on the same page. My first new friend in the city.
19 Aug, 2023
Met Mom & Dad for breakfast
Met an art guy named Eddy (ie?) and a grocery guy named Todd. Wait, the grocery guy was Eddie/y and the art guy was Todd.
Ate lunch on the Fisherman's Wharf and was a tourist.
Ate dinner... No, snacked until I met Akina and her dormmate Diana for midnight breakfast at Orphan Eddy's* and took the 22 home.
Lots of good omens I think.
20 Aug, 2023
Mom and Dad and me** got breakfast at Atlas Cafe (not cheap, but thanks for the rec Broke Ass Stuart.***
We saw Pacifica & Saulsalito** and got cold drinx & a black & white cookie then dropped Mom at the airport.
It was very sad ☹ I miss her a lot already.
Dad and I got Mexican food & looked at a nerd store & followed a chalk message to Mori Point. There were concrete blox & a view.
Tried to find the roof at CCA.
Called Z.
21 Aug, 2023
Dad went back ☹
I was hella sad + cry-y.
I have called Z every day and either Mom or Dad every day as well.
It's been a week and I wonder how stuff'll change.
Must have slept on the floor at Akina's Monday night.
22 Aug, 2023
I met K & then A on Tuesday, I think.
It's crazy how fast you forget this shit once it's happened, damn.
K I was talking to, and A, K was talking to.
23 Aug, 2023
We went to Haight Ashbury. It's funny we've ended up there twice cause I thought it was kinda dumb. It's a cool neighborhood. Sorta sleepy feeling even though there's hella people.
Saw the top of Buena Vista park with A.
24 Aug, 2023
Used the school theater with A and talked to some cool & helpful graduating CCA kids.
Clover
I miss her & sat watching her videos on the big screen.
27 Aug, 2023
Woke up at 9 to my roommate's alarm and then again at 1 and became my roommate's alarm.
That sleep felt great and I woke up clear headed, and got through a lot of junk I had to do.
I had lunch solo in the cafe and read Lincoln In The Bardo,**** and I think my cold's almost gone.
It was hard getting through that chia pudding today.
K and A hit the beach today and I'll get a debriefing when they're back for dinner.
This is a good day of journaling cause I'm bored as hell watching these Moodles.*****
FaceTimed Mom and saw the cats that replaced me and Clover, Dad is back from Tacoma with Sharon. He finally got the tent clean, from when I...
29 Nov, 2023
Man I wish I had kept up with this but it's just rough to make it a habit.
- I moved into a dorm with A, that's been pretty great.
- Z and I are just friends. I'll see her in December.
- Had a thing with D but . . . we're just friends now.
- I was into this girl T but she wasn't into me so we're just friends.
- Had a thing with L but they didn't like me and Z so they called it quits and we're just friends, I hope.
- Lots of just friends. Guess I'm a friendly fella.
- I and A are basically an item.
- K and his lady are still going strong.
- Saw Dad and Sharon in October, and we explored good nature up past Marin County.
- Saw Mom and Philip a week later, as I was moving out of my old room.
- Halloween was fire.
- Went home for Thanksgiving last week.
- I tried to get a flip phone to work.
- I have a beard!
I've been really thinking about documenting a lot. I talked to Jillian and Mariko Tamaki, cousins who made some graphic novels I like and one's about college, freshman year, in New York! They said document, document, document. So I've started trying.
17 Dec, 2023
I am on the plane home for a month. Well, Christmas in Seattle, then New York in January! High strangeness. Which home is home? It's definitely not seat 26A right under the speaker playing this grating country. It's so bizarre. And the little weird feeling like my soul isn't based anywhere, you know? I think that's good. Natural.
Uncle Gary just called.
I had a really good four months. Yea.
Wake up...
Sequel Amnesia.
Searching for Bolaño.
* [sic]. I believe the author was referring to Orphan Andy's. My name was "Edward" for the first couple of days I was alive.
** Most errors left as-is to maintain the excited spirit of the moment of deciding and failing to journal consistently.
*** See Broke Ass Stuart's Guide to Living Cheaply in San Francisco (San Francisco, CA: Falls Media, 2007), 21.
**** moonrabbithaven.com/home/clover-in-the-bardo
***** Awful hybrid education leftovers from virtual classes circa 2020.