Spring 2024 Dream Journal
Semester 2
6 Jan, 2024
I am in Bah-stan. Or right outside the city in Wellesley Hills. It has a very hoity toity name. I took this journal out while I was waiting for I and her friend X to come scoop me but I don't want to look like a twit with a notebook out when they pull up so I'm going to stash it until a later date. It's very cold and I'm wearing a beige jacket with beige pants.
7 Jan, 2024
Good being here. My Paw Paw said it was a good day and he was right. Lots of snow, and Hadley and Mom and I got out in it! It was good cause it hasn't really been snowy for anyone yet this year. Really wintery and really nice!
I gave I my pen yesterday and so I am writing with this bone-shaped pen from South Shore Orthopedics. The phone number on the side has four 5s in a row so it looks like it would be a fake number in a TV show. It's a little hard to write with.
My mind is at ease. The bardo of travel has a way of making the present your focus and I appreciate the East Coast winter without (most of) the melancholy. And I still think about you, of course, but it's been better. You know.
I feel like I'm on solid, if cold, ground out here. It's still a little Christmassy.
12 Jan, 2024
I really wanted to write down my thoughts flying down the Amtrak to New York. Not that they were anything particularly genius, but the winter looked so nice stretching past me in the window, I thought maybe it would inspire something worthwhile about New England on paper. That was Monday and Tuesday. I really do not want to leave. But, going back to San Francisco is not a bad situation.
Brooklyn is sorta my small town. Brownstones line my mind. Lots of brownstones.
Lots of dead Christmas trees in the streets. A little rain when I got here, but no snow. There is a monsoon season now, I guess, because of climate change.
I'm glad I'm documenting a little more. Not like John Wilson, though.
9 Feb, 2024
Forgot Z's birthday. Still haven't talked.
10 Feb, 2024
I had a dream that was a little fucked up that I was ordering girls I sort of liked at the cafeteria but the kiosks were urinals.
11 Feb, 2024
Went back to sleep and had a dream I was filling in these holes with sand and dirt. It was sorta chill. I slept with my socks on and enjoyed it.
What I really don't understand is how I want an unclouded mind I'm not supposed to use on the things I like. I don't think this is a fallacy. No one has explained it yet.
13 Feb, 2024
I had almost a pee dream where I was in the bath in the old New York apartment, and there was a figure in all black, lace underwear undressing and standing up to pee at the toilet next to the bath.
17 Feb, 2024
I can only remember the dream where I woke up in a room with A and D and they got mad when I said alcoholism is the only disease where you get to sit around all day and get drunk.
20 Feb, 2024
Long wild dream where it was my birthday and [illegible]
21 Feb, 2024
Dreams are so personal because they're experiences you can only have by yourself. And they don't exist until you write them down. I guess it's the same as with normal ideas.
22 Feb, 2024
I dreamed I was in this coffin, kissing D. Then I was spitting, which usually wakes me up with my face wet, but this time it was fine.
2 Mar, 2024
No matter how messed up of a person you are you can always pour 100% of your focus into your handwriting if you want to make it nice.
3 Mar, 2024
D and I . . . last night which was fun, but I hope it doesn't change the vibe right now which is good and chill and friends. But maybe with benefits.
14 Mar, 2024
A dream where I was just holding her, but it was like really love-ful, which is weird, especially cause we just talked about girls and had a platonic vibe. I'm in New York more than Seattle in my dreams lately.
21 Mar, 2024
The cats we're pet sitting had me and A up until fucking 2:30 meowing and meowing until I left to sleep in D's bed again. A was up another hour and then they woke him up again at 5. The cats are evil. I woke up two or three times from sounds, outside, loud as hell, and then once from sleep paralysis. These cats are ruining our lives. Fuck these cats.
22 Mar, 2024
I was at CCA, and some girl jumped out a window and died, and I covered my eyes before she hit the ground cause I didn't wanna see it. It was really brutal and I tried to go up to her because a couple other people were but I couldn't, I had to run away onto campus cause it was too much. Everyone was acting like it didn't happen or it was no big deal, which was freaking me out that there was this dead girl and it was business as usual here. I ran into this jazz band playing Billie Eilish covers and the girl was the keyboardist's daughter. Then I was in a room, picking at my face until it got bloody.
23 Mar, 2024
I had a dream I was just peeing nonstop, and I was like, "this is fucked up," but I didn't actually pee in D's bed, thank God.
30 Mar, 2024
I dreamed I was petting Clover, and she was back, and I was crying, but she looked a little different and I knew it kind of wasn't her. I can't believe it will have been a year soon. I love that cat so much. I was thinking about how she hasn't seen me with a beard. My baby.
5 Apr, 2024
A dream where I bought this overpriced ass pizza, then when I went to get the slice the guy was like "Yea, we don't hold onto pizzas," and I was crying all crazy. Then I took the gun from the guy robbing the store and shot him and stuff. There was more.
6 Apr, 2024
There was just an earthquake, apparently, but I dunno, I didn't feel it. Eclipse on Monday. A says it's the end times.
10 Apr, 2024
I was crying again and slept over at D's. I woke up and switched to her roommate's empty bed, then went back to D for an hour, then I woke up.
12 Apr, 2024
Just anxiety dreams I kept missing the parks interview cause I woke up too late. But I ended up with a good night's sleep and made it.
13 Apr, 2024
I realize I've felt like we shouldn't be together because of Z. I realize I don't care.
Suffering comes from not living in accordance with your melon, and your morals and stuff. I've been pulled in too many different directions by what I thought was right, what I thought I wanted, and how I felt like everyone around me was. How do I tell her what I want?
14 Apr, 2024
Dreamed I was in New York, trying to sell mushrooms at night. Also, in another dream I shit myself.
16 Apr, 2024
I dreamed I was being chased through the subway by a giant, red toothed snake. I couldn't escape it, so I just had to get as much distance as I could to keep moving, until it caught up with me. It got distracted and went after A, and I escaped. And I knew the dream was ending, but that the snake wasn't gone.
19 Apr, 2024
I dreamed D didn't get a scholarship for next semester and wasn't coming back to CCA. I also dreamed they didn't have the vegan burrito at the café. I was super sad.
20 Apr, 2024
After mushrooms and an eight gram joint, acted with D. The shots we saw looked really good. Partially because I didn't have to act like I was in love. There is a fake eyelash in my bed that looks like a bug.
23 Apr, 2024
Today it actually made me sick to my stomach how gorgeous you looked. You're all dressed and done up and glowing because you're out of the tunnel. I'm trying not to be jealous.
26 Apr, 2024
Here I am again in this dream/love journal. D is with someone tonight. It was a blessed day and this was nagging at me the whole time, still. It's that old feeling. Maybe we'll talk soon. I wish you could just level with me, as friends. Right now she's tracing lines over someone else's chest. You're in your room with a view of Seattle, I bet, with a roommate I never met. It feels like a last betrayal to write about you both the same way. Now I'm leaving someone in San Francisco.
27 Apr, 2024
In bed with D writing in our journals. I think she is reading what I'm writing so I have the page folded now. She can't read my handwriting anyway, she said.
28 Apr, 2024
I think the way you feel about him is the way I feel about you. I don't know how you feel but I'm just as sad about it as you are. Are we in this together? I like you behind your back. I didn't smile like you did after we kissed so my mouth wouldn't lose your kiss-shape.
30 Apr, 2024
Held you wrong because I didn't know what you wanted. You want me but I don't know if it's just because you don't want to be alone. You hope we meet people over the summer. I don't know if you ever liked me the way you thought you did. We used to in between class. A long time ago, you said "I can see why she loves you." Am I in love now or am I just insecure? If I'm insecure, how can I be sure?
1 May, 2024
I couldn't fall asleep, and I went to find you painting in the main building. I stayed up with you until you finished at seven in the morning. I just watched, we talked for hours, and you said I helped. It was great. No dreams after.
You put it in perspective for me. I didn't realize how I'd made you feel. Not consistent. I can be friends for awhile, I said. You pulled me in behind the partition and we kissed. I'm falling for you more than ever.
2 May, 2024
I woke up to D calling me, and we spent the morning in her bed and at Wolfe's. She told me I was in her dreams, every one. I don't remember mine lately but I told her I've been thinking about her. Um.
3 May, 2024
I dreamed I was talking to D about three words we wouldn't say. Kind of a weird thing to say, but it made sense in the dream.
5 May, 2024
You just left. We'd stood outside and hugged and you kissed my neck and I kissed your forehead. We hugged for a minute. Everywhere I go I find a reason not to leave. Now the whole world is home, I think. I really miss you already. Is that dumb? No, it's not. This is my book. You got in the car and I waited as you left. You waved from the window. I cried. You smiled and blew a kiss. I was wearing your clothes. I watched the car until it disappeared.
6 May, 2024
You fill your water at the touchless "Ambient Water" dispenser. You awkwardly dap up the flat panel the palm of your hand's supposed to hover over. Some people need touch. A woman dressed way younger than her age walks up to the red water dispenser, then makes an exaggerated, disgusted impression, and retraces her steps around the table to the blue one. You have a backpack on your back and a baby on your front. A baby cries while its slightly older brother makes silly sounds at it. You're talking to so many people I'm not sure who your family is. Two older men with suitcases. One of them says "Oh, an airplane bookstore!"
There's a yoga room at this airport. And turfed animal relief areas. Huge knit shapes billow from holes in the ceiling. An airport cop scoots by on a segway. A couple has stopped to look at a bronze plaque with a man's face protruding from the middle, above some text. I've seen you twice already, and we make eye contact. I smile, you're talking to each other and look ahead blankly. A mysterious airport device is wheeled by. Some janitors are wearing blue uniforms, some are dressed similarly to flight attendants, and some wear normal clothes. You're sitting at the end of this bone shaped bench, looking at your phone. Two girls, a little older than me, are looking at me and I turn my gaze towards them. They were probably talking about my hat. They're already smiling, so I smile back.
You all have similar comments about the water fountains, independent of each other. Signs labeling this "quiet terminal" make me wonder why there's an alarm going off every five minutes. I see HOKAs and denim. Must be a lot of people flying to Seattle today. My flight boards five minutes ago, but I'm glad I've taken the time to write. I never get on planes early. You walk really slowly past the water, giving multiple units serious side-eye. You're no longer on break. You're talking to your babbling son in another language while taking a picture of the fountains. My leather jacket squeaks. I don't feel like a vegetarian. I guess I was waiting for something to happen between us. Better an uneventful day of travel, though. I'll be happy for some peace and quiet. I put this notebook in my bag.
It was all a dream...
Fall 2023 Dream Journal
Thoughts on A Glimpse of the Lake.